by Tom Cardy (Tom Cardy)

Verse 1

When my roommate comes into the room looking for his car keys

I don't say it yet

And when he gets me off the couch to check underneath the couch cushions

I don't say it yet, no

And then when he says out loud "I wonder where my car keys are"

I still don't say it (I still don't say it yet)

But then he asks me "Do you know where my car keys are?"

I look at him in his face, and I say


"Have you checked your butthole?"

Ski-dap, ba-dap, butthole

I have not seen your keys, but since you're askin' me

You better check up that butthole

Of course I'm not serious

I don't think it's up inside your big brown business

But a funny thing to say to someone who's lost their shit and is stressed out visibly


Verse 2

When I see the best man start to sweat

I don't say it yet (Ski-dap, ba-dap)

When I see that little ring bearer cunt getting yelled at by his mum

Oh, I still don't say it

When I see the groom asking the vicar if they can wait just another fifteen minutes

I do not say it (Ski-bap, ba-dow)

And when the father of the bride starts organizing an ad-hoc emu bob of the courtyard area

I want to, but I do not say it


It's the eleventh hour with three hundred congregates under God's roof

The vicar approaches the mic, and suddenly, all of the chatter goes mute

He says that they've misplaced the rings

Could anyone possibly know where they are?

I know it's my time, and all heads turn as I stand and say, "Vicar!"


"Have you checked your butthole?"

Ski-dap, ba-dap, butthole

"I have not seen your ring, but have you checked your ring?"

And by "ring, " I mean butthole

Love is patient; love is kind

But if you ask me where you can find

Literally anything you've lost before

I'm gonna suggest that it's up your butthole

Verse 3

"Where's my phone?" "Is it up your butthole?"

"I lost my loan." "Have you checked up your b-hole?"

"I'm losing my patience." "Check your anus"

"Where is your class?" "I think it's stuck up your ass"

"I just lost my grandma"

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry"

Are you capable of not saying she's up my asshole?

Of course, my condolences

I'm not looking for a silly joke right now

Yeah, yeah... what are you looking for?

Honestly, just like, a shoulder to cr—



Have you checked your butthole?

Ski-dap, ba-dap, butthole

Maybe you'll find your dead grandma up there, too

Oh, I fuckin' got you, butthole

My family hate me

This might be the reason that I've got no close friends

Fuckin' worth it, baby